MARCH MADNESS HAS ARRIVED

The beautiful month of March is here. March is prosperous. March hits different.

In a good way, of course. 

Almost as good as Andy Stitzer felt in bed when he finally got married.

March is known for memorable moments produced from the magical sport of college basketball. It rivals NFL Kickoff weekend in terms of sheer excitement and hype. 

Conference tournaments. Selection Sunday. Creating massive group chats and email chains with college friends, work colleagues, or family. Just to talk trash and collect monetary dues for a faulty bracket.

In a perfect world – Major League Baseball should be underway to put a cherry on this perfect sports month. Spring Training should be in full go-mode. Unfortunately, as everyone is well aware, we are nearing 100 days and counting of a labor stoppage.

I will save my fingers from future arthritic pain to eviscerate that moron, Rob Manfred, and the 30 owners for another day. This isn’t a strike, the owners are responsible for locking out the players!!! Remember that. 

POSITIVE. VIBES. ONLY.

Rule Number 37; from my pseudo gambling lesson think piece.

Many of us are guilty of only purchasing college basketball stock (screw buying the dip) when March Madness arrives and that is fine!

Very few of us have reached treacherous levels of degeneracy. This includes passing out on the beach from too many shots of Rumplemintz or laying 3.5 on Northern Colorado over Portland State on an inconsequential January night. 

I am still super pissed I lost $37 dollars on that game… and my debit card on the beach too. 

The regular season has reached its conclusion. People are either glued to their tv screens for bracketology or basking in the Luxor Sky Beam-light reflection off of Seth Greenberg’s bald head when he’s on the ESPN set. This is the best time of the year.

Here are the current team future’s odds for the 2021-22 college basketball title, according to Sin City:

I am not here to sell you on Gonzaga as the favorite. When Chet Holmgren becomes a Houston Rocket this Summer, he won’t purchase the same gold membership to the strip clubs James Harden frequently visited before he ate his way out of H-Town. The Zags will be a one-seed. 

Baylor sitting at 12/1 odds to repeat as National Champions seems enticing but unlikely. Does Scott Drew have what it takes to be this decade’s Billy Donovan and hoist the trophy in back-to-back years? Ochai Agbaji was the Big 12 Player of the Year. TCU is feisty. Texas Tech and Texas fans hate each other for more reasons other than basketball. Have fun Chris Beard. Tyrese Hunter debuted as the conference Freshman of the Year.

Auburn went 76 days between losses (19 game winning streak) before getting shocked by the Arkansas Razorbacks (they punched their ticket in). Jabari Smith is slated to be employed by the Orlando Magic as the presumptive no. 1 overall pick. The SEC is known for people with medical, endangering levels of cholesterol and Johnny Manziel accelerating the NIL movement. Other “Hey, We’re Not Just A Football School” SEC teams represented: Alabama, Kentucky, Tennessee, and LSU.

Speaking of representation – let’s shower the Mountain West conference with some appreciation. The MWC is projected to have four teams featured in the tournament. Two of which (Colorado State and Boise State) are locks while the other two (my beloved San Diego State Aztecs and Wyoming Cowboys) need to make some noise in the conference tourney this weekend. SDSU (+330) to win the MWC, (+20000) to win it all. I’m just saying…

A quick homage to the North Carolina Tar Heels. Thank you, UNC, for being bigger party spoilers during Coach K’s going away shindig this weekend than Dwight Schrute and his babysitter when they showed up to Michael and Jan’s dinner party, unannounced.

College basketball is in good shape when the Arizona Wildcats are competitive. First-year coach, Tommy Lloyd has done a superb job replacing the NCAA Wet T-Shirt Contest Champion, Sean Miller.

The number two ranking in the nation at (28-3), this team is littered with NBA talent. Ben Mathurin could be a top-ten pick. *iPhone notification alert* USC has entered the chat. Evan Mobley, a favorite to win the NBA’s Rookie of the Year, will be cheering for his shorter, less-talented, older brother Isaiah, to carry the Trojans all the way.

UCLA, along with a stoned Bill Walton sharing global war strategies on Russia and Ukraine will be there for the ride. PAC-12 IS BACK BABY!

Almost four years ago, the University of Maryland, Baltimore County Retrievers had the biggest upset in the history of the sport. I cannot definitively say that will ever happen again. What a day for Virginia fans.

Will a Horizon, Summit, A-10, Big West, Patriot, Big Sky, Colonial Athletic, C-USA, SWAC, Ivy, or some other small league team go on a terror a la the 2013 Florida Gulf Coast Eagles? Perhaps, the 2009 Davidson Nuclear Origin of Wardell Stephen Curry?

Congratulations to the Providence Friars for winning their first Big East regular-season title, the de facto sixth power conference. Beware of Villanova, they are still a wagon. 

I’ve stalled long enough on the Big Ten. The locks? Purdue, Wisconsin, Illinois, Ohio State, Iowa, and Michigan State. Jaden Ivey is thrilling to watch. Big Cat’s basketball breasts. The Illini, Buckeyes, and Hawkeyes are all meat and potatoes. Tom Izzo has won 52 March Madness games and his teams are always are extremely competitive and lengthy – they are also 11-10 against the spread as favorites, so beware.  

For the numerous other conferences I failed to mention, I send my condolences. I recently came out of writing retirement and am still knocking off the rust.

Betting on March Madness games creates an exhilarating rush that is unmatched. It’s speculated as the most unproductive time of the year in the workforce. Over $70 billion dollars are wagered on brackets.

Back in 2018 – before normal life on planet earth was blindsided harder than when Holly Holm knocked out Ronda Rousey – a report revealed that unproductive workers during March Madness amounted to an estimated $6.3 billion in corporate losses last year

HAHAHA!

Gamble responsibly. Drink responsibly. Call off work responsibly. Enjoy more than several dozen scores simultaneously changing on your television at once.

Upsets will happen. You will scream. Duke fans will cry. Enjoy this time, it’s the first normal tournament since the pandemic started. HAVE FUN! 

Also, avoid Rumplemintz at all costs.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: