Seven calendar days have elapsed since Aaron Donald displayed an imaginary ring-fitting gesture after rag dolling Joe Burrow into the SoFi Stadium turf en route to becoming a Super Bowl champion.
I’m still happy I took Cincinnati (+4).
Winning a small chunk of change on the Bengals covering including some exotic props (o2.5 TD Passers and Larry David promoting Bitcoin – okay Sportsbooks didn’t have that but still) always helps.
On that note… That’s it. Completed. Finished.
The 2021-22 NFL season has concluded.
There are officially 199 days until kickoff. But no one’s counting.
In four days, I will probably have nauseating withdrawals from Pro Football not being on TV.
My physical well-being will probably look worse than Jesse Pinkman during the first half of Breaking Bad.
Time will pass.
I’m still eager to burn my money on a faulty March Madness bracket. I’ll definitely get some action on The Masters. I’ll be kicking myself for wagering against Kylian Mbappé. If Major League Baseball ever decides to stop torturing their meager fan base, then I’ll be able to bitch and moan about the Padres lack of back-end rotation depth again.
I mentioned in my Waste Management piece that I moved to Phoenix, Arizona last August.
Legalized Sports Betting passed in the state last year and was enacted just in time for the NFL season.
I, along with millions of other degenerates, collectively climaxed when we all realized we could be miserably hungover on our couches on Sunday morning and could wager from our phones on the Cowboys covering 72.2% during the season ATS (against the spread). The total amount of camera shots filming Jerry Jones looking like he needs a dialysis treatment when Dallas was on the verge of losing was set at 54.5 per game. Pound! That!! Over!!!
Alas, I compiled some Gambling Tips (and sprinkled in some of my favorite headlines) from this past football season and something to keep in mind next Fall.
**Editors note: Antonio Brown’s epic exit from Tampa Bay just missed the cut.
Tip # 1: Never Leave a Fellow Crasher Behind.
Okay – that’s actually more of a rule and more of paying homage to Wedding Crashers still being the best film of all time.
The Real Number One Tip – Always Do Your Homework.
As tempting as it may be to just “tail” or “fade” your favorite handicappers on the internet, do your due diligence on the respective game spread, total, or prop. Check the injury report, weather forecast, favorable matchups, recent trends/patterns.
Keep tabs on your head coach preferring to go to an Ohio nightclub than flying home with his players on the team charter plane.
The viral clip of the Twerk Team Captain, Perv-an Urban getting twerked on by an expressive woman was hands down the greatest headline this NFL Season. National and local sports talk shows, podcasters, and writers had a field day shredding ol’ Urb. Dougie Fresh Pederson has a mountainous pile of crap he needs to clean up as well as rekindling the confidence in Trevor Lawrence.
Tip # 2: You Don’t Have To Bet on Every Parlay Boost
This one will be extensive.
Sportsbetting companies poured ungodly amounts of money into their ambassadors promoting certain boosts for games on NFL Sunday.
Aaron Rodgers o284.5 passing yards, Jonathan Taylor Anytime TD Scorer, Justin Tucker o2.5 FGM ~ (+335) “Are you riding with me?” “Boost, Boost, Boost!” “Easy Money!”
You’ll see this plastered all over Twitter, you’ll hear it on the radio, you’ll even stumble across this on TikTok from verified accounts and celebrities. It’s a trap, don’t fall for it! Use your good judgment.
You have statistically better odds of making more money on singular bets such as betting on the Bills-Chiefs Divisional Round Over (54.5).
That game was speculated as one of the most entertaining games in the 102-year history of the sport. I hate using the word, “hate” as much as throwing the “greatest of all time” label out there but reply to me on Twitter @willlgalvez with a better game than Buffalo and Kansas City scoring 25 points in the final two minutes of regulation.
An extension to this tip is Parlays altogether.
Multi-team or same-game parlays are equally enticing as they are dangerous. The rush from tossing some scratch on a four-teamer cashing out is like sinking a half-court heave during a pick-up game of hoops and acting like you can do it on command.
I am not saying to avoid parlay’s at all costs but the likelihood of profiting on 5,6,7,21 leggers is not ideal. You’ll look back on your transactional account statement and realize you’re in the red because five, ten, fifteen dollars add up over time. Stick with the teams you are most comfortable and knowledgable with and keep it under four teams.
Tip # 3 – Don’t Be That Guy
Which “Guy” am I implying?
The guy who not only posts their successful ticket but also their winnings.
No one cares.
It’s fine to publicly share your winning predictions without revealing your wager.
But don’t be the pompous tool that feels it’s necessary to show your winning amount. Whether you win $17 or $2,152,493.69 – don’t do it. Nobody likes that arrogant asshole who tells everyone at the party how much money he makes at work or how many women he’s practiced coitus with.
Funny trick – next time you find yourself in that predicament, facetiously say, “I don’t believe you, dude…” Those types of people are so insecure, they will have a bigger meltdown than Andy Bernard punching a hole in the wall or Bagel Boss Guy in 2019.
Tip # 4 – Gambling Problem For You Or Someone Else?
Call the National Council on Problem Gambling: 1-800-522-4700
Tip # 5 – Bet on Tom Brady Teams SU (Record Straight Up)
According to Action Network, for twenty-two seasons, this was TB12’s career SU:
Regular season: 243-73
278 career victories. 7 Super Bowl Titles. Unfreaking Believable. One more season, please?
Tip #37 – POSITIVE VIBES ONLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tip # 69 – “Don’t Go Broke Trying To Look Rich.”
Bet responsibly. Forgive me for not citing the correct origin of this corny but realistic quote. Truth matters. There’s nothing cool about not having money. Make a concerted effort to wager within “your means”. Keep it reasonable. $5 – $25 dollar range won’t hurt anyone.
Tip #86 – Betting The Under Is Bad For Your Health
Tip # 101 – Certain (Vegas) Measures Calls For Certain (Vegas) Equity
This generally happens when you’re at a Bachelor Party or a buddy’s birthday in Sin City. All inhibitions are thrown out the window. You transform from your soul-sucking cubicle (or WFH Bedroom) corpse into a money-mogul and decide to throw a decent wager on one of the 10 AM window games. Do not misconstrue, “You don’t get rich betting like a bitch” and Tip #69. ALWAYS BET RESPONSIBLY WITHIN YOUR MEANS!!! But fiscally responsible and disciplined individuals sometimes want to use a good chunk of one of their commission checks on the Minnesota Vikings Over. Who knows – maybe you have the next Dan Bilzerian in your friend group? That’s their choice. Let it ride!
Tip #225 – Avoid Betting on the Arizona Cardinals after their Bye Week
Tip #487 – Live Betting Lines
Whether you’re using DraftKings, Barstool, Caesars, FanDuel, MGM, or an offshore account – your finger and hand dexterity needs to be faster than CeeDee Lamb’s during the 2020 NFL Draft when he didn’t want his significant other looking at his risqué DM’s.
The odds move swiftly so be ready to swoop in at the right time before they disappear.
There are only 199 days until Kickoff…
Should I dabble in Russian Ping Pong to pass the time?